I had it all planned out. The Olympics were coming to Vancouver and all the hotel rooms were booked way in advance. So what’s the artful dodger to do? Make a buck.
I would rent out my place for the duration of the Olympics. A little timely gouging never hurt anyone, and besides they can afford it and me, I can barely get by.
What’s not to like right? Everyone is happy. They have a place to stay, and I have a month to do whatever I want, pretty much for free.
“So that’s your new plan Dave?”
That’s my mate Steve.
“It’s guaranteed money. Do you know how much people are renting out houses for?”
“No. How much?”
“I, lots, that’s how much.”
“That’s specific. You need to figure out how much someone will pay to live in a crap shack like this.”
To be fair the place wasn’t that bad. It’s the ground floor of a house. It was a bit old, well really old but I figured we could spin that. “Old Character house” and all that jazz. All it needed was a bit of TLC and they would love it. Besides with the right camera angles anything can be beautiful.
“And what are we supposed to do during the month we're homeless?”
“Take a vacation, stay at your mum’s, couch surf, I don’t know. Use that brainbox of yours and figure out something. The world is your oyster.”
“You see no problems with this?”
“No.”
“What are you gonna do with your CD’s? For example.”
“You worry too much.”
“And you don’t worry at all.”
“Right, well the CD’s, and other personal pieces you’re worried about could be... boxed up and put in storage. It just takes a little thought. Come on, now none of that pessimism from you now. Just give me your assent and leave the rest up to Dave, yeah.”
“If you fuck this up…”
“I can’t. It’s just too easy.”
My confidence knows no bounds, sometimes. That was where the whole thing began. A thought aired to my roommate and I was off in search of what everyone comes to North America for, a slice of the good life.
Stage one of the plan, that is convincing my roommate, is complete. On to stage two: in-depth research. The ease of the modern man is such that I don't even have to leave the house. A bit of searching on Google and I've got all the information.
"Right, Steve."
"Yeah."
"So here it is: $1000 U.S. for a week or $3500 U.S. for the month. How does that sound?"
"It sounds like a lot."
"I know. Imagine what you can buy with all that."
"That would pay off a fair chunk of my student loans."
"Or you could not be boring and do something with it."
"You're sure you can get this much?"
"Easy. All you go to do is know how to sell. First we take some pictures of the house. We'll get each of the bedrooms, the living room and kitchen, maybe an interesting angle on the washroom. A few shots outside: the backyard and maybe a neighbourhood pic."
"What about the laundry room?"
"Hell no. That place is just dirty. They can find that out on their own."
"It'd be a draw if we advertised the washer and dryer though"
"We can tell, just don't show. There's not an interesting enough angle for that place. Now I'm getting ahead of myself. Before we show off we gotta make sure this place is presentable. You got time tomorrow?"
"I thought you were taking care of the whole thing."
"Oh I'll take care of it if you give me your half of the money. No?
I didn't think so. We don't have to do a hardcore clean anyways, just a quick one that'll look good through the lens of a camera. The place needs to be cleaned anyways."
"Fine. I'll give you a couple hours tomorrow. But that's it."
So there it is the beginning of what could be a beautiful grift.
The cleaning doesn't take long. Really it's just a once over to make sure the place doesn't look like an animal lives here when people in China are looking at the place.
“Just shove it all in your closet and we’re done Steve.”
He just insists on making this job harder than it needs to be.
“I’m not just gonna shove all my stuff in my closest. I’m not an animal. Just let me put all my stuff away.”
“No. Just finish it and we’ll take some pictures.”
“How about you go take some pictures and by the time you get around to my bedroom I’ll be done. Does that sound ok?”
“Why must you always make it so difficult?”
“Just shut up and go take pictures.”
The pictures, however, will be the difficult part. I have to find the best angle to show off the positive and hide the negative. It’s not long before Steve joins me in trying to find the best angle.
“I don’t know how you think you’re gonna convince someone that our house is worth 35 hundred-a-month.”
"Look, all we need to do is convince them that they want what we have. We can't promise the moon and then give them some cave. But we can promise them a planet and then give them Pluto."
"That was a crazy mixed metaphor."
"It's all about selling. Make a market and you can name the price. Who's selling local flavour? No one. So we sell it and it's an addition to the house that no one else offers, and then when they come and realize that local flavour comes with a few quirks that are less then pleasant, that is the price they will have to pay, because we are still within expectations. Sell them on high expectations, then don't completely fail those expectations."
“So what? Pictures of the exterior, and a close-up of the new stove?”
“You’ve got sarcasm dribbling down your chin. But in answer to your question: yes. That is basically what we’re gonna do. A lot of close ups of the nice bits of our house, and a few other strategic shots. Nothing wrong with that. You never point out the weaknesses of a car you’re selling. Same principle here. And if anyone asks the place is paradise.”
“I’m not lying just to get some stranger into my house.”
“Why? You do it with the girls every Friday night. Budum-dum. You don’t have to lie. Just let them know how nice the place is. You like living here right?”
“Yeah.”
“See there you go. Just be positive. And move that chair a little bit. Yeah just over the bad flooring.”
I may be no great photographer but I must say after taking over 100 pictures of the house I made this place look good. People were gonna be clamoring to stay here.
“Steve, get over here, we’ve got our first hit.”
“What?”
“Somebody wants to rent our place.”
“Really? You must have taken some pretty amazing pictures.”
“You know it. Look. It’s a German family. Couple kids. One’s an Olympian. They’ve got a picture. Looks like a nice family. They want the place for the whole month.”
“Right. So you gonna mail them back or what?”
“Not yet. Give it a couple days. Maybe we’ll get a better offer. Who knows.”
“Don’t be an ass.”
“Give me two days. Two days and I’ll mail them back and everything will be fine.”
“Whatever. You’re the one running this thing.”
A day passes and I’m getting ready to finalize this thing. They seem nice enough, and free money is free money. So I’m sitting there with Steve checking my emails.
“No one else interested yet?”
“No. I’ll just email them.”
“Ok. So it’s all done then? We’re just settling the details?”
“Yeah. That should be that. Fuck.”
“What something wrong?”
“No. It’s ok. Don’t worry I’ll take care of it.”
It was an email from my family.
Hi David. How’s it going? We’ve got great news. Your Dad has a line on some tickets to some Olympics events for cheap, and there’s a seat sale we can hop on. Is it ok if we stay with you? All the hotel rooms are booked, we already tried. Anyways get back quickly we need to figure this out.
Love Mum
“I can’t believe you actually pulled it off. I didn’t think it would actually happen.”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
Now what the hell? Who am I supposed to break the bad news to? I can’t tell my Parents they can’t come visit me and go to the Olympics. What kind of son is that? And I can’t tell this nice family that all the sudden I’ve changed my mind and screw up their chance to see their daughter in action in the Olympics. And I sure as hell can’t tell Steve that we’re not making that money anymore. Not after I just confirmed we’d have that money in our pockets.
It was time to think. I was so sure there was a way out of the whole thing. With the right plan I wouldn’t have to tell anyone the bad news. All I needed was a day. After that if I couldn’t figure out a plan, well then I had to tell someone something.
So it was back to the Internet. Places to stay in Vancouver: nothing. There was literally nothing. Every hotel was booked. I called every single hotel I could find in the entire city, and even some just outside the city. Nothing. But that wasn’t entirely unexpected. It was a route that had been tried but I thought it was worth another.
But I had friends, and some of those friends had houses. Which means either I could try to pawn my parents off on them, or something. Besides they probably wouldn’t be here for too long, and I needed a place to stay during that time too.
First up was Shawn.
“Hello.”
“Hey Shawn.”
“Dave. What’s up?”
“Just wondering if you have any plans for the Olympics.”
“No. Why?”
“I’m in a little bit of a conundrum here. I was going to rent my house out for the Olympics, I have people ready to rent it and everything, but then my parents are coming over from England and want to stay at my house cause they got some tickets for some of the events, so they thought it would be the perfect time to visit and see Canada.”
“So what do you want me to do?”
“I know you don’t have a lot of room but if you’re going to go on vacation or something during the Olympics, or know someone who is… You know, just let me know.”
“So now because you’re renting out your house you want to couch surf with your parents in tow?”
“So it’s not the best plan, but all the hotels are full and I can’t tell my parents no, and I can’t back out on the nice family that is renting my place.”
“This is going to turn into a disaster.”
“Don’t worry about it man. I have it all under control. I’ll figure it out.”
“Good luck with that. But I think Jess and Wes might be away during the Olympics. You might want to try them.”
“Thank-you man.”
And there it was, another line I could follow. Sew enough of them together and you have a safety net. So I called Jess.
“His this is Jess. I’m probably doing something too awesome so I’m not gonna pick up the phone. Leave a message and I’ll call you back when I’m not being awesome.”
I hate that message.
“Hi Jess just needed to talk to you about a couple things. Call me back.”
And then I tried Wes.
“This is Wes. Leave a message.”
“Hey Wes. I just called Jess so I hope one of you guys get this message soon. I just need to talk to you about some things. Call me back.”
It was a bit of a dead end. All I could do was wait for them. So I went on to spin some other threads.
“Tim. It’s Dave. This is gonna sound kind of funny, but what are you doing during the Olympics?”
“Nothing. Why?”
I’m trying to work some things out. I’m renting out my place for the Olympics and I need somewhere for me and my parents to stay.”
“You and you’re parents?”
“Well, my parents aren’t going to be here for the duration.”
“If you need a place you can always crash on my couch, but I don’t think you and your parents will be very comfortable living in my living room.”
“Yeah I know. Thanks anyways.”
“I think I heard that Jess and Wes are going out of town during the Olympics. You might want to call them.”
“Thanks I’ll try. See ya.”
Then on to Janet.
“No sorry Dave. We’ll be here and we don’t really have a lot of room. I heard Jess and Wes might be on vacation during the Olympics though.”
Then Aya.
“I wish I could man but my house is a revolving door during the Olympics. Sorry. Jess and Wes might be out of town though.”
Jess and Wes. All I needed was a phone call. But all I got was another email from my parents.
Hey, We haven’t got an answer back from you yet. What’s happening over there? Anyways we were looking at hotels in other parts of the country and thinking we may want to do some quick trips to either the Shuswap or Banff. What do you think? Let us know what’s best and try and see if you can get some time off to spend camping with your parents.
And an email from the nice German family.
Hello,
Is your house still available? We would really like to stay at your house if it is still available. If possible we would like to finish the preparations soon so we can be sure of a place to stay.
Thank you very much.
It just gets worse. The Germans want in and my parents are planning a whole vacation around coming. Granted I liked my parents more than the Germans so it’s not really a competition in that regard, but it was a lot of money to be flushing down the toilet. They could wait though. All I needed was another day and I was sure I could make everyone happy.
It had been a day since I had received the message from my parents and two since I had received the message from the Germans, and still I had gotten nowhere, except that Jess and Wes probably had a place I could stay.
I decided to wait it out. Either I would get hold of Wes and Jess and find a place to stay comfortably with my parents and I could rent my place out to the Germans or I wouldn’t be able to get a hold of them and the Germans would stop emailing me and I would let my parents know and they would come. And Steve, well, I guess Steve would have to be told, or something.
I was set to let life figure out life for me. Which worked out well for about a day. One day of freedom from the decision and with the next day it all crashed back on my head twice as hard in another round of emails. I almost didn’t want to open my email that morning. I procrastinated the whole morning until just before I had to leave for work. It was ok opening it just before work. Then at least I knew that I didn’t actually have to deal with it until after work.
And there they were an email from my parents and from the Germans. Both of the emails looked laden with accusations and demands for a decision. They also looked long, so I figured I couldn’t read them before work, and besides it’s not like I could have made a decision then anyways, so I went to work with the emails unopened.
And came home to the same unopened emails. And in between times all I could think about was the emails. They came to me in daydreams like Freddy Krueger. Now all I had to do was open the damn things and see what was going to happen.
David. Could you please email me back? I’m starting to worry here. Is something wrong? You would let me know if something was wrong, right? We also need an answer whether we can stay with you or not. Your Dad has to take time off and so does James if he’s going to come. Could you please email me back? Just let me know you’re alive and not living on the streets.
Obviously that’s the one from my mum. The Germans were up next.
Hello,
We would really like to know if your house is still available. We are having a hard time finding a place to stay, so we are hoping that it is ok to stay with you. If it is not we may have to cancel our trip to cheer for our son.
Thank you
And then it was decision time. Life was not going to figure this whole mess out. And yet I found myself paralyzed by the thought. Not that I would admit it, but I was going to be the bearer of bad news to someone. The only problem was I couldn’t decide whom to tell the bad news. Then Steve popped into my room.
“Hey man, have you figured out when the Germans are going to get here?”
And then my decision was made. My family was my family, but I couldn’t keep the Germans from watching their sun in the Olympics and fail my friend.
“We’re still figuring things out. I should know soon.”
“Right. Well let me know as soon as you know. I need to figure out what I’m gonna be doing during the Olympics.”
“I will.”
I emailed the Germans.
Hi,
Sorry about not getting back to you earlier. I was having some problems with my computer. I hope it’s all going well for you. Our house is still open and we would love it if you would come stay here. We just need to know when you are planning on arriving and leaving.
Thank you,
Dave
And then it was on to the difficult part, my parents.
Hi Mom,
Sorry I had some problems with my computer so I haven’t been able to check my email lately. I would really like for you to come, but Steve thought it would be a really good idea to rent out our place during the Olympics. Unfortunately we already had someone confirmed when I got your message. So sorry.
Love,
Dave
So I lied. Big deal. What else was I supposed to say? I couldn’t tell them I made them worry and risk travel plans because I was indecisive. It wouldn’t work.
It was over, at least in my mind. From here on in it was going to be smooth sailing. Until another round of emails came my way.
Hi,
We are so sorry but we have found another place to stay and confirmed with them. I hope you find another family.
And all I worked for flushed down the toilet. But at least now I could have my family over from whom I also got an email.
That’s fine David. It’s too bad we couldn’t see you though. I just wish you could have told us all sooner. Do you need a new computer? If you need some money for a new computer you let us know. It’s for our peace of mind as much as it is for you. Your Dad’s trying to sell the tickets he got for free now. I told him to just give them away but he wouldn’t listen. He’s always trying to make that extra money. Where are you staying for the Olympics if someone is staying in your house? You’d better have some friends willing to put you up. We’ll try and figure out another time to come see you, and this time we’ll do it further ahead of time.
Love,
Mum
I reply:
Mum, the whole thing fell through. There was a big mix up and the people who were gonna stay here can’t come. So you guys should come.
That was easy, but I have no idea what I’m gonna say to Steve.
“Hey…ah Steve.”
“What’s up?”
“The thing kinda fell through.”
“What thing?”
“The whole thing with the Germans.”
“What? I thought you said it was a done deal.”
“I thought it was too but then they backed out on us. I think they found a cheaper place.”
“So now what? Have you got any more hits?”
“No, but my parents have got tickets to see curling or something and want to stay here. So… ah… is it ok if we scrap the whole thing? Sorry mate.”
“Whatever. I can’t say I’m that surprised.”
“I’m really sorry mate.”
“It happens.”
Easier then I thought. And all was once again right with the world. Until one last email came my way.
Hi,
Sorry David your Father sold his tickets yesterday before we got your email. We might still come though, but it’s not looking that good. There’s a lot of people at your Dad’s work tacking time off so they’re being pretty tight with holidays right now. Maybe we’ll just do it another time. At least this way you can rent your house out to another family.
See you soon,
Mum
I was dumbfounded. It was like trying to grip sand in your hand. There was no contingency plan for this.
After more false endings then a bad horror flick it was the end. Back to the beginning of plan A and see if it pans out this time.
There’s another email.
Dave we just got your message about staying with us. Sorry for getting back to you so late. We actually are renting our room out to a family of Germans for the Olympics so we don’t have any room. Sorry about that.
Wes and Jess
